Sorry, its been a few days since I've updated the blog, but I've been really busy, I've been getting my new place straightened out and I've had quite a few interviews, plus with classes and everything, its been a busy and productive few days!

On that note, I got a job! I have a career path set up and everything! It's so weird to think that I have a career oriented job, I mean, I feel more grown up now, like I'm stepping in the right direction, and I did it all my own, which makes it all the more sweeter!

To think that I was so scared of being out there by myself seems so silly now, I mean I miss having a companion, a partner in crime if you will, but I'm doing a lot better, I'm really happy with the way things are progressing, the way that I'm progressing, and it would've been hard to do that with all the pressure I was feeling in the relationship. I still have my obstacles to overcome, but I'm handling things a lot better, I'm not getting as stressed over little things, I'm not keeping my anger in and letting it explode, I'm voicing my concerns when I have them, which was a really hard thing for me to do for awhile. I'm maturing and I'm not losing myself and who I am in the process which makes me happy!

Today will probably be a double post day, but I had to get this out of my head so I could stop letting it circle in my head. The ex called last night, and well I being the weak soul that I am answered, I wanted to know why he was calling, why he wanted to talk.

I don't know, I thought the conversation would go better than what it did, I know I'm doing better, I know it, but for some reason I just felt so small and inadequate when I talked to him, like I hadn't progressed at all, it wasn't good. I won't go into the details of the conversation, I don't think it's fair to violate his privacy like that, I'm sure he isn't even fond that I'm posting this, but I did say that this was my form of therapy, and I hope I don't sound mean when I say this, but oh well. We didn't end our conversation on a high note either, we got off because he was feeling weird, and I don't know if it was me or Pai (who was in the background singing and being general Pai rude,) but I did send him a text later saying that I felt bad, I hope he feels better, and that I was sorry. I know, weak and I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, I'm just not that strong yet.

Aside from the conversation yesterday, I made more progress, I finally stood up for myself with my family. I get so tired of the selfishness that some of my family members display, (I'm not going to name names, that would not be cool) I mean a lot was accomplished without a lot of help from others, and I walked into the apartment to be called incompetent and irresponsible, it wasn't fair, and frankly I'm tired of being treated this way. I'm a great sibling and a great daughter, I have accomplished a lot, and like I said I've made my share of mistakes, but I've owned up to them, taken responsibility, and accepted that they were MY mistakes, not anyone elses. I can't deal with disrespect anymore, I don't want to see them take advantage of generosity because they think they deserve it, they need to learn to be grateful and thankful for the life that they live. I mean I'm not going to lecture them on how to behave, it is not my place, but hopefully they will learn that lesson before they burn to many bridges.

Alright I'm leaving it here, I have a hike across campus to get to my lab, and from the looks of it, it may start raining again (Yay!)

Today will probably be a double post day, but I had to get this out of my head so I could stop letting it circle in my head. The ex called last night, and well I being the weak soul that I am answered, I wanted to know why he was calling, why he wanted to talk.

I don't know, I thought the conversation would go better than what it did, I know I'm doing better, I know it, but for some reason I just felt so small and inadequate when I talked to him, like I hadn't progressed at all, it wasn't good. I won't go into the details of the conversation, I don't think it's fair to violate his privacy like that, I'm sure he isn't even fond that I'm posting this, but I did say that this was my form of therapy, and I hope I don't sound mean when I say this, but oh well. We didn't end our conversation on a high note either, we got off because he was feeling weird, and I don't know if it was me or Pai (who was in the background singing and being general Pai rude,) but I did send him a text later saying that I felt bad, I hope he feels better, and that I was sorry. I know, weak and I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, I'm just not that strong yet.

Aside from the conversation yesterday, I made more progress, I finally stood up for myself with my family. I get so tired of the selfishness that some of my family members display, (I'm not going to name names, that would not be cool) I mean a lot was accomplished without a lot of help from others, and I walked into the apartment to be called incompetent and irresponsible, it wasn't fair, and frankly I'm tired of being treated this way. I'm a great sibling and a great daughter, I have accomplished a lot, and like I said I've made my share of mistakes, but I've owned up to them, taken responsibility, and accepted that they were MY mistakes, not anyone elses. I can't deal with disrespect anymore, I don't want to see them take advantage of generosity because they think they deserve it, they need to learn to be grateful and thankful for the life that they live. I mean I'm not going to lecture them on how to behave, it is not my place, but hopefully they will learn that lesson before they burn to many bridges.

Alright I'm leaving it here, I have a hike across campus to get to my lab, and from the looks of it, it may start raining again (Yay!)

Full Steam Ahead

This morning was the first time in awhile that I have woken up without my stomach in knots and my mind whiring, it was such a great feeling, even better it was raining.

I know, weird, I may be one of the few people that wakes up in the morning, sees that its raining and thinks that its a positive thing, but seriously, I was standing outside this morning completely calm, enjoying the feeling of the rain, it was refreshing, like all the bad karma that has been heading my way lately was being washed off. For once I was completely happy, it felt like nothing could ruin the moment, and then my chocolate lab Beck piled into me and knocked me over, bringing me back to the real world. I guess its the story of my life.

Moving forward, this weekend was a good one, finally! I felt like everything was falling into place, I hope that this is the first good day of many. I also realized that my life isn't over, everyone makes mistakes (some more serious or detrimental than others) but that doesn't mean that the life as I know it is kaput, I'm 23, I have a lot left to live, I have a lot of growing up and life experience to gain, did I really think that one week from hell was going to set me back that much? Well yeah, I did, but I'm good now, thanks to lots of kind and encouraging words (from friends and strangers,) and even me just telling myself to snap out of it and move forward.

Life as I know it is changing, and I'm happy about it, right now more so than any other time, is not a time for me to slow down, I plan on continuing full steam ahead, no matter what the obstacle, I'm going to take it on.

Not again...

So, its official, this has been the worst week of my existence, but you know what, I'm thankful, I'm thankful for wonderful friends and great family, whom even when I do something stupid or disappoint them, they are still there standing behind me and pushing me through. I really am blessed for all the support that everyone has given me.



That being said, a lot of the problems and issues that have happened have been my fault, my lack of responsibility can astound me sometimes, and this seems to be a common thread in all of my problems, if I had just paid a little more attention, if I would have just a little more intelligence in regard to the situation, it seems like a good majority of my life problems would be gone.



I know I'm learning, and I know that all the mistakes that I'm making are teaching me valuable life lessons, but seriously, this sucks, I wish things were all sunshine and rainbows, reality is a terrible terrible place.



I was talking with a friend of mine a little bit ago, and he was incredibly supportive, which is surprising, especially if you know the kid, but he made a great point, I have spent this whole week expecting each day to be a dramatic turning point, expecting to have that wonderful AHA moment, and this just shows how I really do see the world in black and white, things are either great or they suck, and this is not realistic, theres all sorts of shades of grey and I need to start seeing it that way or the rest of my existence is going to be very dramatic and I'm going to die at 30 of a heart attack. I need to be patient, things aren't going to change in a week, thats not how life works, it's not that easy, if it was, we would all be incredibly well rounded and balanced individuals, which of course, we aren't.



So here I am at Staufs again, pondering my existence, trying to see my life and reality in shades of grey, because I really would like to make it past the age of 30.

So I tried to post last night, but my computer decided that it no longer wants to work, and updating a blog on a cell phone seemed to tedious and I was already weary from the day.

I regressed yesterday, I acted like a 16 year old that was rebelling against her parents. I was full of cutting remarks, tears, and a few anxiety attacks. Hopefully today will be better.

It's the first day of classes, so I'm here at Staufs drinking some tea and going through a list of excuses as to why I do not have to attend my 3:18 class, but alas I keep on coming back to the same conclusion, if I want to grow up and be responsible I should go to class, I need to prove to myself that I can do this without someone behind me pushing me to go.

The ex and I e-mailed last night, I totally lashed out at him, but to be honest I was having an anxiety attack and he happened to be on the phone with me while I was going through it, it wasn't fair and he didn't deserve it, so I e-mailed him an apology, and he responded.  I never thought it would be this tough, trying to keep your chin up and move forward seems like a daunting task, but I'm ready to go for it, I know its going to be a long haul, but thats not what scares me, it scares me that I may grow up and become a better person but still want to be with him, and he won't want anything to do with me.

The Start of a New Chapter

I would love to think that this blog is going to get a ton of attention or that I will follow through on updating this, but to be honest I'm not sure either is going to happen.

I'm doing this as a kind of therapy, to help me reflect on the life that I have been living and where I would like to be in the somewhat near future.

What spawned this blogging? Well to be honest I hit an all time low, in a matter of three weeks I found out two of my near and dear family members were undergoing surgery, one for gastric band and the other for a brain aneurysm, my beloved and sweet Grandmother was in the hospital with a cancer that no one knew she had and because of this she wasn't going to leave the hospital, and lastly my fiance broke off our engagement.

Now don't get me wrong, I know in comparison to other individuals lives, this isn't bad, but for me this was a pretty hard hit, I know my life isn't hard, as a matter of fact, I'm very thankful for everyone that is in my life, my friends and family have been tremendous, and even the ex has been kind and cordial. I honestly couldn't ask for better people to go through this with, but still, it doesn't make the heartache hurt any less.

So here I am, day three of the break-up, still no appetite, but I'm starting to feel that this situation has spawned a new self-awareness, a new sense of responsibility and accountability, I feel like I've matured, is this temporary? Well thats quite possible, but I guess you'll have to continue reading to find out...